A Dungeon Full of Chaotic Stupid
by nvzblgrrl
Summary: The dwindling population of a high school Dungeons and Dragons club tries to keep a campaign afloat.


_Dungeons and Dragons; A Dungeon Full of Chaotic Stupid_

_Chapter 1: Robbin' Goblins And Respecting The Law (For Once)_

_A whip thin teenager wearing a smiley face tee with her hair tied up in a simple pony tail sat at the game table, casually checking over her character sheet. A large boy, around the same age as the girl but a good deal heavier and about a foot taller, entered the room with a red cardboard box and a small shopping bag filled with maps pressed to his chest. His ragged breathing drew no sympathy from his fellow gamer. "Little more cardio?"_

_The large boy gave a bitter laugh, ignoring the obvious jab at his weight. "What have I told you about not pissing off the GM, Dee?" As he lay out the various game paraphernalia out on the table, he slid over a set of green and gold dice to the nonplussed girl. _

"_Anyone else coming?" He asked, as if expecting the door to suddenly open with more players prepared to take up the remaining sets of dice. Dee fingered the dice, obviously looking forward to get her own set, something that she was assured would turn her luck around for the better. "Nma. Nate said that he'd try to drop by, Cameron has computer shit to do, and I've haven't the faintest concerning Sax-on. Looks like it's just going to be just the two of us, Nick." Nick muttered something about the reliability of sane people under his breath before bringing the subject back the game. "What sort are you playing today? Rogue, as usual?"_

_The eternal genki girl proffered a skillfully rendered picture of a dark-haired elf in a nearly all-encompassing cloak. "Nma. Imma play a wizard today. Shake things up a bit. Trying to make a Kung-Fu Wizard, with limited squishiness. Still trying to optimize the build, so he might be getting some polish over the next few games…"_

_Nick just pulled out a character sheet and started filling it out. "So I'll play ranger for once. I'll call him… Nick the Green Foot…" He went to his book, trying to get the ranger past his normal bar for character balance. About ten minutes later Nick called done._

_Dee smiled with a bright mischief that could be traced back several generations to a distant emerald island. "Well, now why don't we get started, nma? Dungeon Master?"_

_Nick returned the smile, suddenly turning a Puck-like expression of ne'er-do-well-ism to come into the fetid grin of a zombie in a flanking position. "Why don't I let you start this one?"_

_The girl's smile didn't fade as she leaned into the table, clasping her hands together at the bridge of her nose. "Then let us begin…"_

The ranger walked along a path in the area of forest under his charge, his flinty eyes flickering from side to side, on the lookout for the bandits or goblins known to prowl the area…

"_Dee, that is the absolute suckiest beginning I've ever heard. We're playing Dungeons and Dragons, not writing a cheap fantasy novel."_

_The girl blinked, shifting backwards in her seat as her eyes shifted back into focus again. "Alright, alright. Nma, let me start this again…"_

The human ranger Nick the Green Foot was on his customary evening patrol of his section of the wood…

_{Dee: What sort of name is that anyway? Nick the Green Foot? Why not something like… Nickolas Strider? Strider is cool.} _

_{Nick: He's got green feet. It's easy to remember his name like that. And before you ask, he had foot cancer.} _

_{Dee: Foot cancer doesn't…}_

_{Nick: But the healing spell misfired, curing the cancer but turning his feet green in the process!}_

_{Dee: I wouldn't say 'misfire'. Nma, I would say it was an… 'unexpected side effect'.}_

_{Nick: You want to play or discuss the banal technicalities of the English language?}_

… When the sound of a woman screaming prompted him to action! He rushed towards the noise with the stealth that many years as a ranger had been beaten into him, stopping just shy of the line of bushes, twin automatic, single-handed crossbows in their respective hands.

_{Nick: Roll for initiative.}_

_{Dee: Nineteen. First?}_

_{Nick: Yep. Just let me continue the story were you left off.}_

The caravan was under attack and most definitely out of their depth, with only two guards for the caravan, one of which had been already downed by the group of three goblins. Nick had leveled one of his crossbows at the goblin that was clawing at the subdued guard's face and was preparing to fire when…

_{Dee: Nma! That's my cue.}_

… A tall elf…

_{Dee: Half-elf.}_

_{Nick: Whatever.}_

… With dark hair, amber eyes and an emotionless face stepped into the clearing.

_{Dee: I use __**Scare**__.}_

_{Nick: Roll for it.}_

_{Dee: Fifteen.}_

He gave the trio of goblins a look that may or may not have contained a spell, sending two of them running terrified into the forest, though the third, who was clearly the strongest of the lot…

_{Dee: Nma, clearly.}_

_{Nick: Shut up.}_

…Remained.

_{Dee: You have it?}_

_{Nick: *rolls* … no.}_

The goblin removed the guards face completely, turning its attention to the fresh meat that had just entered the glade. It took a swing at the elf…

_{Dee: Half-elf.}_

…But missed due to the **half**-elf's agility.

_{Dee: I use __**Restless Dead**__.}_

_{Nick: On what? The guard? He's not actually dead yet…}_

_{Dee: No, silly~. I use it on the local road kill.}_

A small contingent of nightmarishly twisted forest creatures creaked up from their unceremonious resting places, each focusing what was left of their eyes on the rather unfortunate goblin. They descended on it with all the force of a tidal wave.

_{Nick: Roll the four for damage.}_

_{Dee: *rolls* Four~!}_

_{Nick: The goblin is hurt. Slightly.}_

_{Dee: WHAT? Nick, I don't think you noticed, but that was a small army of zombies!}_

_{Nick: A small army of small zombies. My turn. *rolls*}_

Nick the Green Foot took aim at the goblin before shooting it straight through the eye, nailing it to the side of the wooden caravan wagon. He checked the goblin's pockets, finding twenty gold pieces and some odd chunks of wax, while the mysterious half-elf allowed the zombified forest creatures to frolic about him in the style of Disney.

_{Nick: You're a mage. Heal the guard.}_

_{Dee: I'm a necromancer who knows kung-fu. I break things and generally avoid fixing them.}_

_{Nick: Well, then if you're not going to be helpful…}_

The half-elf found himself looking down the sight of one of the ranger's automatic crossbows. The only reaction to cross his face was to raise an eye brow. "Necromancer!" The ranger hissed, "What are you doing in my forest?"

_{Dee: Nma, Aren't you going to ask me if I'm feeling lucky?}_

_{Nick: No. Roll for diplomacy.}_

_{Dee: Nineteen, plus four. Can't shoot me in the face just yet now.}_

The half-elf spoke with an unmistakable Elven accent, which gave his words a mesmerizing edge, though they were largely honest and plain in intent. "There are three places a hermit can live. In a cave, on top of a mountain, and in a forest. It also strikes me that a ranger does not have the means to actively 'own' a section of forest, let alone the whole of it. As for why I am in this forest in particular… suffice to say that half-elves very rarely receive a warm welcome among the other races. It seems we come across…" Here he paused a moment, allowing an undead squirrel to climb to his shoulder and for a sense of suspense to take seed in the minds of those listening to him. "As untrustworthy. Also, necromancy is not a particularly good way to make friends. I'd rather you call me Taliesin. The word 'necromancer' only serves to attract guards."

Suddenly a guard rode into the clearing…

_{Dee: Nma. See what I mean?}_

… And arrested the two for disturbing the peace. While Nick put up the typical resistance, Taliesin went quietly, who was working under the logic that a non-resistant prisoner is a prisoner more likely to be released. Once the pair were successfully trussed up, the caravan wagon was righted and they were shoved in the back.

_{Dee: Are we tied up with rope or chain?}_

_{Nick: Rope.}_

_{Dee: I use my necromancy powers to rot the ropes.}_

_{Nick: Roll for success.}_

_{Dee: Five. Nma. So now for a less obtuse solution. Rolling for persuasion.*rolls* Twenty.}_

The guard turned to look at them, unsure if some magic was being done, and Taliesin began a series of inquiry. The guard answered the questions with an almost comical lisp,…

_{Dee: Which will never be forgotten. Terrent shall be in every single campaign after this one!}_

_{Nick: 'Terrent' will not. Now shut up and play like a normal person.}_

… Pleasantly surprised and completely won over by the half-elf's good nature that seemed to stand in sharp contrast with the dark art which he practiced. When the situation concerning the caravan was brought up, Taliesin severed the perceived connection between himself and Nick the Green Foot, allowing the ranger to go free, though the necromancer would remain in the custody of the local earl.

_{Dee: And now you can come and save me.}_

_{Nick: Meh.}_

_Notes: All the stuff in italics is out of game / out of character stuff._

_Dee is a highly warped human being. She is the most consistent person at Nick's game table, though not the luckiest with the dice. She almost always plays as a male character. 'Nma' is a verbal tic, like someone who says 'Mmm', 'Uuh' or 'Umm' too much._

_Nick is generally a jerk, with some redeeming traits that occasionally shine through. He is the DM of the group. He typically plays as a wizard, though all his characters have a thief's love for gold. He doesn't particularly like Dee's company, on account of her going off on weird tangents and saying 'Nma' a lot._

_Nick the Green Foot is a human ranger specializing in crossbows and Dirty Harry imitations._

_Taliesin is a half-elf necromancer specializing in unarmed combat with a silver tongue._


End file.
